I got the Visiting Time wrong... It's in the PM instead of AM

Which means instead of waking up outrageously early and seeing my man the first thing in the morning, I have to be at school in a class.

It also means that unless the class is randomly canceled, the next time I can see him is April 22! That's four weeks from tomorrow! A whole month! Urgg...

I almost started crying after his phone call tonight because he just wanted me to tell him about my day and that he's 'ready to pull his hair out'. Also since I won't be able to visit him for a month, it means more collect phone calls, that well, I don't really have the money for.

I wish that there was more I could do than send him mail, buy him books from Barns'n'Noble, and see him for 45 minutes when possible. The only plus side of him eventually heading to prison is that I will at least be able to send him 'care packages', with pretty stationary and stamps.

Right now, if I would deposit money into his account, not 50% like it says on the website - but 100%, he would not have the use of the money. Apparently he's too 'in debt' with the prison due to his cancer treatment that the prison feels they can take all his funds. So I can't even deposit money so he can buy snacks and junk food! If I were in a situation like that I would really look forward to buying a different kind of chips or candy bars each day, I would delight in that.

Right now I pray, and try to find money to pay for lots of stamps, collect phone calls, and to buy him a book once or twice a month.

BTW: Even notice that the vast majority of the Bargain Books at Barns'n'Noble are hardcover and therefore cannot be sent to the Jail? Also, that most calendars, puzzle books and journals all have a spiral binding and therefore cannot be sent to the Jail.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm embarrassed

I know I shouldn't be but I'm so embarrassed about telling people that my boyfriend in in jail and will be going to prison, let alone the fact that he's terminally ill and will likely die there.

I wish I had more people to talk to and confide in, in person. I'm really struggling with this; it's stressing me, affecting my sleep, one homework assignment that was due today, and frankly, this whole situation and the concept that he's going to prison (and going to die before he turns 26!), is wearing me down slowly.

I'm starting to be more comfortable telling people that I found out that my boyfriend's cancer is now terminal; my parents, friends I see on a regular basis, and one professor knows. But nobody, including my parents, knows that he's going to prison and will die there; except one person.

I shouldn't be embarrassed telling people my significant other is in the System, it's more common now and there's more awareness that inmates can change and completely turn their life around. I just am. I feel like I will be judged; like someone would think less of me for being with a man that's in jail.

I should just state that my boyfriend is terminally ill with cancer, in jail/prison, and will most likely die there. I could even act confident and even proud of myself that I'm sticking by him.

I think it will take time to make that adjustment.

On the plus side, my mom (I still live with the parents) now knows that my b/f's in jail. She saw me turning on my computer and that his address at the jail is on my desktop. I frankly said that I didn't want to go into details right now; and strangely enough... she didn't freak out at all! She started blabbering on about how I should ask him if he knows her old boss that last time she checked works there.... I secretly wanted to curse her out at being so trivial about it; I ended up saying that I'm not going to waste any precious time with him discussing my mom's old acquaintances.

But she now knows, which means my dad now knows, and they won't freak out or start demanding questions if I should receive a letter from the county jail.

I got the first call from my man and I feel devastated

I got my first call from my boyfriend since he's been in and I just really want to break down in tears.

He thinks he'll be going back to prison for somewhere between 18-30mo.

I feel so sad and overwhelmed. Since he has terminal cancer and will probably die within the next year... he'll most likely die in prison.

That's such an awful, awful thought.

Plus I have to tell my parents, who don't even know that my boyfriend's in jail yet, that my boyfriend is going to prison for a couple years. That's so scary.... I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for all of this, but I can't really abandon him

Update

I got my first call from my boyfriend today; and there was good news and bad news:
He will continue his treatments starting next week and they are giving him medication to help with the withdrawls this week;
Unfortunaly he's going to be moved to prison and will likely stay for the next 1.5-2.5 years.

So he'll probably die in jail. That whole concept to me is devestating.