Update

My depression’s hit so bad this time I haven’t even kept up to date with my blogging:

I got my first letter from Ben and it was the most romantic thing every.  I have never gotten a lot letter before… he even wrote me a song.

He called again and I confided in him how hard it is for me because my parents are so negative about the fact that my sig. other is in carcerated and that’s depressing and stressing me out.  He was kind, but there’s really not much he could have said.

He needs around $30-$35 into his canteen so he can buy some personal hygiene items.  I don’t see to have the balls to tell him that I simply don’t have that money right now.  It’s already getting hard to pay for the collect calls to be able to hear his voice on a regular basis.

He’s So Sweet to Me

I got another call from my boyfriend a few days ago.  What amazes me is how strong he still is.  I think a lot of twenty-four year old terminally ill guys that find themselves in the System would be discouraged ornery.

Nope, not my man.  He’s confused to all his misdeeds and fully willing to take on the consequences.  He’s totally accepted that he’s in jail and probably go to prison, and even that there’s a good possibility that he’ll die in the System.  He’s willing to comply and do his best, come what may.

What he said to me after I confessed that I had a Mixed Episode was “Oh my God, what happened Baby? Are you okay?”… I was stunned.  It’s like, ‘Hun.  Your the one whose in jail and dying.  Are you okay?  What’s your pain-level cancer-wise?  What can I do to help you?  Is there anything you want to to send?’

He was automatically worried about me.  How sweet is that?  I’ve only been dating this man for a little while now… but I find him so inspiring, sweet, and thoughtful.  I mean, even though he’s in the System, he’s overcame so much and has one of the best outlooks on life that I’ve ever met.

It’s almost astounding.

I got the first call from my man and I feel devastated

I got my first call from my boyfriend since he's been in and I just really want to break down in tears.

He thinks he'll be going back to prison for somewhere between 18-30mo.

I feel so sad and overwhelmed. Since he has terminal cancer and will probably die within the next year... he'll most likely die in prison.

That's such an awful, awful thought.

Plus I have to tell my parents, who don't even know that my boyfriend's in jail yet, that my boyfriend is going to prison for a couple years. That's so scary.... I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for all of this, but I can't really abandon him