He’s So Sweet to Me

I got another call from my boyfriend a few days ago.  What amazes me is how strong he still is.  I think a lot of twenty-four year old terminally ill guys that find themselves in the System would be discouraged ornery.

Nope, not my man.  He’s confused to all his misdeeds and fully willing to take on the consequences.  He’s totally accepted that he’s in jail and probably go to prison, and even that there’s a good possibility that he’ll die in the System.  He’s willing to comply and do his best, come what may.

What he said to me after I confessed that I had a Mixed Episode was “Oh my God, what happened Baby? Are you okay?”… I was stunned.  It’s like, ‘Hun.  Your the one whose in jail and dying.  Are you okay?  What’s your pain-level cancer-wise?  What can I do to help you?  Is there anything you want to to send?’

He was automatically worried about me.  How sweet is that?  I’ve only been dating this man for a little while now… but I find him so inspiring, sweet, and thoughtful.  I mean, even though he’s in the System, he’s overcame so much and has one of the best outlooks on life that I’ve ever met.

It’s almost astounding.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm embarrassed

I know I shouldn't be but I'm so embarrassed about telling people that my boyfriend in in jail and will be going to prison, let alone the fact that he's terminally ill and will likely die there.

I wish I had more people to talk to and confide in, in person. I'm really struggling with this; it's stressing me, affecting my sleep, one homework assignment that was due today, and frankly, this whole situation and the concept that he's going to prison (and going to die before he turns 26!), is wearing me down slowly.

I'm starting to be more comfortable telling people that I found out that my boyfriend's cancer is now terminal; my parents, friends I see on a regular basis, and one professor knows. But nobody, including my parents, knows that he's going to prison and will die there; except one person.

I shouldn't be embarrassed telling people my significant other is in the System, it's more common now and there's more awareness that inmates can change and completely turn their life around. I just am. I feel like I will be judged; like someone would think less of me for being with a man that's in jail.

I should just state that my boyfriend is terminally ill with cancer, in jail/prison, and will most likely die there. I could even act confident and even proud of myself that I'm sticking by him.

I think it will take time to make that adjustment.

On the plus side, my mom (I still live with the parents) now knows that my b/f's in jail. She saw me turning on my computer and that his address at the jail is on my desktop. I frankly said that I didn't want to go into details right now; and strangely enough... she didn't freak out at all! She started blabbering on about how I should ask him if he knows her old boss that last time she checked works there.... I secretly wanted to curse her out at being so trivial about it; I ended up saying that I'm not going to waste any precious time with him discussing my mom's old acquaintances.

But she now knows, which means my dad now knows, and they won't freak out or start demanding questions if I should receive a letter from the county jail.